My heart lately. Thank you Lord for using David Crowder.

I've Had Enough

I've had enough
to break me in two
to tear me apart
what am I to do?
what else can I do?

So sing me a song
let me hum along
at the top of my lungs
while I come undone.

What else can I do?
What can I do?

Oh God Where Are You Now

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh Lord, hold me now.
There's no other Man who could raise the dead
so do what You can to anoint my head.

Oh God, where are You now?
Oh Lord, save me somehow.
Dadadada
dadadadada
dadadadadada

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh God, touch me now.
There's no other Man who could save the day.
There's no other God who could raise the dead.
Dadadadada
dadadadadada

I am not proud, just addicted.

OUR COFFEE POT is BROKEN....i know i know....please don't rent your clothes and cover your head in ashes...I am already doing that.

The first morning I waited until all my little cherubs had eaten breakfast and got dressed before we went and got coffee.

The second morning they ate and we went in PJ's.

The third morning the two babies were up and fed and I was considering going because Evy and Cole could easily stay home while I ran to get my nectar, but I waited. When the bigs got up we went before they had breakfast.

This morning I woke early and got up with Jesse and while Sean was getting ready for work little man and I went to get coffee. I got out of bed (nothing brushed - neither teeth nor hair), put on my boots, threw on my long blue 'house sweater' and yes, still wearing my pj's.

I was juuuust about to pull into the drive thru when I recalled how difficult it was to get the van doors opened as they were frozen.....crap! I couldn't get the window down. I tried like six times and no go. So in we go. Me in my messy hair, no makeup, not even getting the sleep out of my eyes, and PJ's and my baby with no coat on ~ in to the Starbucks on Robert Street :).

I order my divine java and we are waiting for the drinks. Just ahead of us is this sweet little woman waiting for her as well. She looks at me and we exchange smiles, then she does the full head to toe look at me....she wasn't even discrete. I was laughing and she was politely smiling. She got her drink, turned to leave and I said 'Have a Good Morning' with a big smile.

I love coffee!

Winter Running

I have finally found the 'woolies' I was instructed to wear for my tight thin base layer in running outside.....my my my they cost a pretty penny.

Here's my prediction. First outside run in my wooly dooly's (meant to sound like whitey tighties or pickle dickle) and I slip on the ice and break my a** only to end my short and not so fanfreakingtastic running career. That is just the way I roll.

Nanny.

As I have gotten older the moments in my life where the Lord has spoken clearly to me is growing. One time audibly (go ahead, think I'm crazy, I don't mind), but mostly it is an overwhelming sense that moves me and I just know....I felt such an urgency to finish my tree skirt, and to write about it. And a desire to tell you about my Nan and let her know how much I have enjoyed her visits.
As some of you know, she went to be with her Saviour on December 10th. I was fortunate enough to be at the funeral and honored to sing at her service. She looked so beautiful! Sometimes when our loved ones are prepared for a viewing they look grey and not themselves. Well, that was not the case with Nanny. I would not have been surprised if she would have opened her eyes and said hello she looked so much like herself. She was dressed in an hot pink suit and diamond earrings, and a beautiful pearl necklace. Nanny always looked classy. I have many 'hand me downs' from my grandmother!! I know that sounds funny, but she had great taste!
My brother's eulogy highlighted several things, but what my heart held dear was James 1:27
'Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world'. She did both of these. My aunt Brenda was adopted and Nanny's dear friend was a widower that lived down the road from her and they loved one another and took very good care of each other (we were so worried about what they would do without one another). Ray, the widower, passed away that morning hours before Nanny.
Pauline lived a life devoted to her Lord and to those that surrounded her. She left an amazing legacy and for that I am thankful. I don't think that I will ever get used to the fact that she is gone. I love her dearly.

Christmas Tree Skirt

To the dismay of some, I was not working on my Christmas Eve outfit. I was working on a Christmas Tree Skirt.

This pattern of poinsettia and holly leaves with berries is from my dad's mom Evelyn, after whom my daughter was named.

The work of sewing bead over sequin to fully cover the felt material was done by my mother and her mom, Nanny.

What a beautiful memory and labor of love by those most important in my life. This will be in our family for many generations.

Brrrrr.....

Me being the outstanding mother and wife that I am, I decided to wait until Friday to go to the grocery store for our major haul. Yes, this past Friday, the night of our snow storm. And staying with the outstanding mother and wife mantra I thought it would be a great adventure if we all went! Oh what fun!

Actually we did have a good time. As we were driving home the streets were empty, the snow was falling and spectacular, and there was not a sound to be heard outside. I love going out when the snow is falling like that. I feel like the outdoors has been shrunk down or like I have just stepped in to a quiet cozy room, all the noise is absorbed.

Needless to say the desire to get home and put on a pair of running shoes, ipod, and warm clothes and go out running rushed over me! So here's my problem....I don't think my tank top and running shorts will cut it. I need some warm running clothes.....any suggestions on what to wear while running outside in the winter?

Good Byes.

Last week my daughter Evelyn wondered if we could stop by the grave site of my grandmother, her namesake. I was pleased to oblige her so straight to the store for cheap colorful carnations.
At the gravestone for Leo Llyod and Evelyn Mae Van De Walker Cole put his bright blue flowers down, Evy's pink carnations we gently place over Grandma Evelyn's name, Nora laid her yellow ones down, and Jesse threw his green flowers on the grave. We then stood quietly for awhile when I started to cry and Evy asked me if I was sad. I said yes and that I missed my grandparents very very much. She said she was sad too. We stayed for a few short moments then packed up in the van and went home.
There has been much loss in my life over the years. Loss of children, loss of grandparents, loss of friends, and loss of relationships. With each loss I suffered in varying degrees.
Some were sad, but I expected it to happen, like with my grandparents.
Others were unexpected and terribly tragic and I felt sorrow like never before. I actually felt part of me die, as in the loss of my children.
Then there were losses that were inevitable. I realized someone was moving or that a relationship wasn't going to work. However, inevitability of the end doesn't make the end any easier. There have been times when a relationship has ended and I thought I would never get out of bed and the depth of the sorrow was almost debilitating. The everyday missing of the person with everyday habits and gifts and memories that seem relentlessly never ending.
But with each loss grief is kind in that it has a pattern. The grief cloud WILL eventually give way to a glimpse of sun. The Lord may seem silent, but He has always taken me safely through.
All this to say, for those of you fearful for the holidays and the sorrow and sadness it brings. I will be praying for you.

Sometimes the spark of faith is slight
And does not make the darkness bright.
But keep it lit and you will find:
Far better this than being blind.
One little flame when all is night,
Proves there is such a thing as Light.
Remember now the place and price
Where Jesus promised paradise.
One answered prayer when all is gone,
Will give you hope to wait for dawn.

'Misery of Job and the Mercy of God' by John Piper