It's been a long time

HI! Happy Thanksgiving! Isn't He good!

Well, I know it's been a long time and I have really missed blogging! I needed to take a break from the world wide web for a while. I feel like the Lord has been good in accomplishing what He needed to do with me and Sean and I are ready for re-entry!

So I am shutting down this blog and starting another one with my fabulously talented husband: snjfee.blogspot.com

I hope you come follow us there! It should be fun.

Don't hate me because I'm Beauterus

I’ve been around for 38 years now and have learned about compliments.

“Oh, those are cute shoes!’ I say ‘Thank you’
“That song was beautiful’ I say “Praise the Lord for His grace.”
“I love that skirt! Where did you get it?” I say 'GoodWill!’

The other day I went in for my ‘yearly’ after about 3 years. Seriously, how can anyone look forward to that? The last time I was to the ‘woman doctor’ I was just pregnant with Jesse and I used a midwife. I was looking to get a prescription for something as well so I had to call a friend of mine to get a referral for an OBGYN. It was a great referral! Dr. Reddy at HealthPartners in Woodbury. She was very kind with a fantastic bedside manner.
I was sitting in the room waiting for her to come in hoping I would get a cotton robe to wear instead of those super fancy PAPER ones they give you sometimes. She walks in and so does ‘Patty’. Patty is her student.
“This is Patty. She is a student that is shadowing with me. Is it ok if she sits in?’
I say, “of course!”
We do the standard chatting, I get my instructions, they leave, and I put my luxurious cotton(!) robe on!
Knock knock….check here, check there….you might feel a little pressure…..
“Wow’ Dr. Reddy says - FYI, that is not something you want to hear when you are in the stirrups mid-exam.
‘Is everything OK?’ I ask trying to not totally freak!
“Oh yes, You have a wonderful uterus” she says. “Do you mind if Patty could examine you?’
‘I would be honored! Anything to help advance woman’s medicine.” You know I totally said that!
Side note: This was Patty’s first time examining anyone. I’ll just leave it at that, oh except I gave her a ‘thumbs-up’ during the laborious process.
Now, one would think my fabulous doctor’s visit ended there, but no! I had to get blood work done as well and the tech there was telling me what great veins I had! Seriously….if I were single and that was a bar….are you kidding me?!?!

My heart lately. Thank you Lord for using David Crowder.

I've Had Enough

I've had enough
to break me in two
to tear me apart
what am I to do?
what else can I do?

So sing me a song
let me hum along
at the top of my lungs
while I come undone.

What else can I do?
What can I do?

Oh God Where Are You Now

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh Lord, hold me now.
There's no other Man who could raise the dead
so do what You can to anoint my head.

Oh God, where are You now?
Oh Lord, save me somehow.
Dadadada
dadadadada
dadadadadada

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh God, touch me now.
There's no other Man who could save the day.
There's no other God who could raise the dead.
Dadadadada
dadadadadada

I am not proud, just addicted.

OUR COFFEE POT is BROKEN....i know i know....please don't rent your clothes and cover your head in ashes...I am already doing that.

The first morning I waited until all my little cherubs had eaten breakfast and got dressed before we went and got coffee.

The second morning they ate and we went in PJ's.

The third morning the two babies were up and fed and I was considering going because Evy and Cole could easily stay home while I ran to get my nectar, but I waited. When the bigs got up we went before they had breakfast.

This morning I woke early and got up with Jesse and while Sean was getting ready for work little man and I went to get coffee. I got out of bed (nothing brushed - neither teeth nor hair), put on my boots, threw on my long blue 'house sweater' and yes, still wearing my pj's.

I was juuuust about to pull into the drive thru when I recalled how difficult it was to get the van doors opened as they were frozen.....crap! I couldn't get the window down. I tried like six times and no go. So in we go. Me in my messy hair, no makeup, not even getting the sleep out of my eyes, and PJ's and my baby with no coat on ~ in to the Starbucks on Robert Street :).

I order my divine java and we are waiting for the drinks. Just ahead of us is this sweet little woman waiting for her as well. She looks at me and we exchange smiles, then she does the full head to toe look at me....she wasn't even discrete. I was laughing and she was politely smiling. She got her drink, turned to leave and I said 'Have a Good Morning' with a big smile.

I love coffee!

Winter Running

I have finally found the 'woolies' I was instructed to wear for my tight thin base layer in running outside.....my my my they cost a pretty penny.

Here's my prediction. First outside run in my wooly dooly's (meant to sound like whitey tighties or pickle dickle) and I slip on the ice and break my a** only to end my short and not so fanfreakingtastic running career. That is just the way I roll.

Nanny.

As I have gotten older the moments in my life where the Lord has spoken clearly to me is growing. One time audibly (go ahead, think I'm crazy, I don't mind), but mostly it is an overwhelming sense that moves me and I just know....I felt such an urgency to finish my tree skirt, and to write about it. And a desire to tell you about my Nan and let her know how much I have enjoyed her visits.
As some of you know, she went to be with her Saviour on December 10th. I was fortunate enough to be at the funeral and honored to sing at her service. She looked so beautiful! Sometimes when our loved ones are prepared for a viewing they look grey and not themselves. Well, that was not the case with Nanny. I would not have been surprised if she would have opened her eyes and said hello she looked so much like herself. She was dressed in an hot pink suit and diamond earrings, and a beautiful pearl necklace. Nanny always looked classy. I have many 'hand me downs' from my grandmother!! I know that sounds funny, but she had great taste!
My brother's eulogy highlighted several things, but what my heart held dear was James 1:27
'Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world'. She did both of these. My aunt Brenda was adopted and Nanny's dear friend was a widower that lived down the road from her and they loved one another and took very good care of each other (we were so worried about what they would do without one another). Ray, the widower, passed away that morning hours before Nanny.
Pauline lived a life devoted to her Lord and to those that surrounded her. She left an amazing legacy and for that I am thankful. I don't think that I will ever get used to the fact that she is gone. I love her dearly.

Christmas Tree Skirt

To the dismay of some, I was not working on my Christmas Eve outfit. I was working on a Christmas Tree Skirt.

This pattern of poinsettia and holly leaves with berries is from my dad's mom Evelyn, after whom my daughter was named.

The work of sewing bead over sequin to fully cover the felt material was done by my mother and her mom, Nanny.

What a beautiful memory and labor of love by those most important in my life. This will be in our family for many generations.

Brrrrr.....

Me being the outstanding mother and wife that I am, I decided to wait until Friday to go to the grocery store for our major haul. Yes, this past Friday, the night of our snow storm. And staying with the outstanding mother and wife mantra I thought it would be a great adventure if we all went! Oh what fun!

Actually we did have a good time. As we were driving home the streets were empty, the snow was falling and spectacular, and there was not a sound to be heard outside. I love going out when the snow is falling like that. I feel like the outdoors has been shrunk down or like I have just stepped in to a quiet cozy room, all the noise is absorbed.

Needless to say the desire to get home and put on a pair of running shoes, ipod, and warm clothes and go out running rushed over me! So here's my problem....I don't think my tank top and running shorts will cut it. I need some warm running clothes.....any suggestions on what to wear while running outside in the winter?

Good Byes.

Last week my daughter Evelyn wondered if we could stop by the grave site of my grandmother, her namesake. I was pleased to oblige her so straight to the store for cheap colorful carnations.
At the gravestone for Leo Llyod and Evelyn Mae Van De Walker Cole put his bright blue flowers down, Evy's pink carnations we gently place over Grandma Evelyn's name, Nora laid her yellow ones down, and Jesse threw his green flowers on the grave. We then stood quietly for awhile when I started to cry and Evy asked me if I was sad. I said yes and that I missed my grandparents very very much. She said she was sad too. We stayed for a few short moments then packed up in the van and went home.
There has been much loss in my life over the years. Loss of children, loss of grandparents, loss of friends, and loss of relationships. With each loss I suffered in varying degrees.
Some were sad, but I expected it to happen, like with my grandparents.
Others were unexpected and terribly tragic and I felt sorrow like never before. I actually felt part of me die, as in the loss of my children.
Then there were losses that were inevitable. I realized someone was moving or that a relationship wasn't going to work. However, inevitability of the end doesn't make the end any easier. There have been times when a relationship has ended and I thought I would never get out of bed and the depth of the sorrow was almost debilitating. The everyday missing of the person with everyday habits and gifts and memories that seem relentlessly never ending.
But with each loss grief is kind in that it has a pattern. The grief cloud WILL eventually give way to a glimpse of sun. The Lord may seem silent, but He has always taken me safely through.
All this to say, for those of you fearful for the holidays and the sorrow and sadness it brings. I will be praying for you.

Sometimes the spark of faith is slight
And does not make the darkness bright.
But keep it lit and you will find:
Far better this than being blind.
One little flame when all is night,
Proves there is such a thing as Light.
Remember now the place and price
Where Jesus promised paradise.
One answered prayer when all is gone,
Will give you hope to wait for dawn.

'Misery of Job and the Mercy of God' by John Piper

What?

I am almost 40. I have one grey hair that I have finally decided to stop pulling out and let it grow. My hands are wrinkled and my skin isn't as elastic as it once was. I have crows feet, a deep set wrinkle between my eyes, bags under my eyes, dry cracking skin and the list grows.


But there is something interesting that I have noticed over the last few weeks. Let me tell you HOW I noticed it first.


I have a 'new to me' phone. It has a camera and unlimited data and texts....oh what fun. So of course I have been taking pictures of myself (get your minds out of the gutter!!!) and sending them to my lover. And as I take picture after picture after picture to get just the skinny beautiful perfect no double chin stringy hair right one I have noticed that my NOSE IS GETTING BIGGER!!!! Seriously! I have noticed it in several pictures. I can take the crows feet, the grey hair, the cracked hands the droopy skin.....but my nose? Growing?! This is making me rethink the whole nosering thing....why would I draw unnecessary attention to the schnoz!

Signed......pinocchio!

Lipstick

My grandmother, who just turned 87, was in the hospital a few weeks ago with chest pain and trouble breathing. Test after test after test finally showed she had some blockage in her heart and she needed a few stints put in.

This past Thursday she was feeling terrible and her chest was heaving as she tried to catch her breath. The doctor told my mom to take her to the ER.

As my mom rushed around getting Nanny's things together, Nan called to me.

"Julay (Nan is from Alabama and has a very thick southern accent), will you get my little green bag off my table please?"

so I say sure and go get what is her makeup bag. Here she is, my 87 year old grandmother with a pulseox of 90 just had two stints put in a few days earlier and she needs me to get her lipstick so she can look presentable to go to the ER.

Nora

8:30pm: Evy comes down to inform me that Nora stuck her tongue out and Evy asked her not to and she did it again.

8:31pm: Nora comes down and says.....I stuck my tongue out on askident (lisping her 's').

8:32pm: Papa delivers the spanking....

MIA

Oh, please don't fret....all of my children are present and accounted for, no one is missing in action. I am referencing the Minneapolis Institute of Art in my title. (oh my goodness!!! I did it! I put a link on my page. yes, i know it's not rocket science, but yippie! I've never done that before.)

For months I have wanted to take my mini herd to MIA. We were almost there once, my courage was high, getting everyone dressed and ready. All in the van, ready to go, things start going downhill......(anyone with children knows what the '......' means here) soon everyone was crying, including me, so everyone out of the van, back inside. I didn't think it would have been a wise choice to go. I know, my discernment is remarkable.

So this past Saturday, dreary and wet and Sean was hunting, I said 'Today is the day." I wanted to get out of the house and MIA is free so the planning began. Snacks, diapers, water, stroller, duct tape...no, just kidding, we didn't bring any water. A few minutes before we left Sean called and said he was on his way home and I told him what we were doing, and since I was pretty sure going to an Art Museum wasn't on his list of the top 10,00o (according to him) things he wants to do after sitting in a deer stand for 4 hours I gave him the option of coming or staying home and thankfully he said he would go.

Successfully all in the van, driving to our destination, the questions start:

'Is this the museum with the boat you can drive?' 'No.'

'Is this the museum with the dinosaurs?' 'No.'

'Is this the museum with the big things to climb on?' 'No.'

'Is this the museum with the musical stairs?' 'N0.'

'Is this the museum where Jake had his birthday? I love that museum.' 'No.'

'Is this the museum where we can dress up and pretend we......?'

'No. No. No. No. We are not going to either museum of which you are speaking. As a matter of fact at our museum today we just walk around and look at stuff and you can't touch anything!!!'

'oh...yes mom.'

I am please to say that we ALL had a marvelous time! For the first time in an Art Museum I was very pleased with the way the kids acted. And surprisingly we only had two snickers from Evy because Mr. Winky was present on some of the sculptures and one 'Hey Mom, look at his buns!' from my quiet little flower Nora (which of course the sculpture was in a room with a vaulted ceiling and marble everything and it echoed like crazy).

The kids loved it and I can't wait to take them back!

235 out of 243!

Saturday I ran my very first 10K.
As some of you may recall I ran my first 5K a little over 3 months ago. So with no training, me and all my logic decided it would be a good idea to do this 10K (which is twice as long as a 5K for those of you who weren't homeschooled).
At 9am in a huge group of people, there I was FREEZING, with a touch of nausea, ready to embark on 6 miles of a little road running and a little trail running, which I've never done before. It was beautiful! The first 1.5 miles on the road was a perfect start. The corn fields had been harvested and the black dirt was plowed up and the dried corn stalks were mixed in with all that blackness. There was one part of the field that looked like big black rolling waves and I was running so I was able to pass by slowly and take it in. It was gorgeous. Once in the woods I was surrounded by lots of trees (I know, there is my public education 'creative writing class' coming through). Most of the leaves had fallen, but I still thought it to be just brilliant. The sun was shining against the blue sky then the browns and golds were varied with every once in awhile RED! It was maybe red sumac or red berries that hadn't been eaten yet or just a red leaf on the ground. Trail running is awesome as there was just so much to see as well as so much to think about. Most of my running has been on the treadmill so having to look for rocks, mud, branches, or roots was a great distraction! I ran with a friend of mine, who was the instigator of all this 10K stuff. She was kind enough to 'trot' through the course with me and walked when I needed to and talked with me to help keep my mind off how much my knee was killing me!
Overall I was tremendously pleased with how I did. The first three miles were great and I didn't think I would have too much trouble there. Mile number 4 was a little tough, my knee started to hurt, which was a surprise and disappointment so I walked a little. Mile 5 was tougher and I walked a little more. Last mile sucked! (sorry public school coming through again) I walked/ran the first 1/2 of the last mile and gave myself a pep talk about how many children I have birthed into this world without pain meds and then ran the last 1/2 mile across the finish line....never knew my legs could be so heavy until last Saturday.
So I was 235 out of 243 runners. A few days before the race Bug was terribly concerned and asked me if I was going to win. After I regained my composure I said I didn't want to win, but I didn't want to be the last one. Well, I wasn't!
Thanks Marty! I hope you will want to do this again next year, it was fantastic!

Reason #5

Nora was just telling me her plaint regarding a certain homeless family-soup eating scenario in which there was only one mother, namely Evelyn, and Nora would like to be a mother as well (my children often play that they are homeless orphans....this time they were a homeless family making soup).

She told me "I asked Evelyn in a kindless way". Now I thought about that and said, you know she's probably telling me the truth.

Reason#5 Why I love being a Stay at Home Mom: at 3 in the afternoon my children get to play they are homeless......i love the irony there. Or do you think this is their passive aggressive way of telling me to take them out more?

Blue Eyed Smokus......

This is a cup of fries. Not just any cup o' fries, but a cup of fries at the new Twins stadium. These fries probably cost around, I don't know $10!! (probably not that much however, you know what I mean.) But here is the power of 'FEE'. These were free. Who do you know that can get a cup of fries for free at a stadium?

So I said to Sean, I would love a fry. And that is exactly what I meant ONE FRY. So he asks the woman at the counter if he could have 1 fry slip into his steak sandwich basket. And hocus pocus, blue eyed smokus.....here is my free cup o' fries.

This gift is not only limited to Sean. All the other Fee brothers, and Mother, and Father have this magic. Truly, they could probably sell snow to an Eskimo. There are times when I love it, see above. And then there are times when I think there should be lessons learned that aren't, but I'm probably just jealous, slightly impressed with their charisma (or really impressed).

"Open"

So I have been feeling the need to write about my family, see last entry. Don’t fret, I do not have some terminal illness which is causing me to publicly express my love for my family. I am feeling very stable, for now, and these entries are not my ‘note’ before the big ‘goodbye’. I have just been inspired by a few photos and wanted to share them with you.
Now on to my dad. Keith Lloyd Van De Walker. His birthday was September 29th and he turned a young 69...isn’t 69 the new 49??



Dad and I had a little bit of a rough start, but I’d like to think we have recovered and have a good relationship.
He has been married to my mom, Delores, for close to 50 years…..Wow (Greg is really old!!)! He grew up and still lives in South St. Paul, Minnesota. He has had lots of different jobs over the years - some not so great, but I think he is most satisfied with what he is doing now. He has his own insurance agency and is helping lots of people save money!
Over the years and many bits of advice there are two things that have stayed with me.
1. Always tithe. Before you spend any money, always take out your 10% first. Ever since my first job, working at The Limited in downtown St. Paul, I have taken this advice. I feel the Lord has blessed me richly for being faithful to Him in this area. Thanks Dad for this morsel.
2. Don’t wish your life away babe. Well....this one is a little harder for me. I think I will struggle with this forever, but it has proved a great challenge to me when I hear those words come out of my mouth "I wish I.....".
I’m not sure if those are the ones that he wanted me to take to heart, but those are the ones that have stuck with me thus far.
Besides verbal gems shared with me there were also nonverbal expressions that have impacted me and how I view my home and the things that I own. When I was growing up we had several people come and live with us. It could have been as simple as college students passing through, or friends of my brother taking some time off from school, or something as ‘sticky’ as a divorced man in need of a Christian brother to extend not only a loving hand, but a place to live food to eat and an ear to listen. Our home was always ‘open’. My parents were, and still are offering their place to anyone in need. I love that mindset. I pray that when my children look back on their lives that they can recall all the people that shared their home and food and were considered family.
I love you Dad! Thank you for your generous heart and loving attitude towards others. You have been such a great example to me and pray that I can pass this along to my children.

Nanny

This is Nanny (Nina Pauline Jones). My, on Wednesday, 87 year old grandmother - and she did give me permission to share her age.

She is an amazing woman. She was married at 14 to Marion Franklin Jones. She had Carolyn at 16, Carl at 17, Delores at 19, then ‘took in’ Brenda at 36 (who was later adopted into their family). They lived all over the south moving from state to state, where ever Grandpa Jones’ job took him. At 50 her husband of 36 years died from a brain aneurysm. She has never remarried....or at least not yet.
A few years ago she fell and broke her hip which started a ‘care rotation’ with her children. The 'rotation', or shall I say tour still continues even though she has recovered from her injury. The Nan tour starts in South Carolina with Carolyn from November to February, then to Carl in Seattle from February to May, finally home to Alabama with Brenda for May through August, and to my parents house August to November. I don’t think she likes it very much since she is only truly home for such a brief time. I, however, LOVE IT!!!!!

Most of my life consisted of Nanny living in Alabama and if we wanted to see her we would all load up in the car with our doodle boxes (the 70’s/80’s version of DVD player sans the TV screen and the ability to watch a movie) and drive for 18 hours. So to have her a mile from my house three months of the year is one of the best things about summer. Sitting and sewing together, chatting, drinking coffee and eating cookies, watching cooking shows….these times to me are so precious with her and I will cherish them for all of my life.
Another reason I love that she is here is below:

The time my kids get to spend with her. Here they are talking and getting the green beans from my mom’s garden ready for dinner or supper or whatever one might call the mealtime in the evening. They will actually have first hand experiences and stories to tell their children about Nanny. A relationship with their great grandmother that will be remembered with joy and seen as blessed.

So Nanny, we love you so much. I am tremendously thankful that the Lord has seen fit to have you here so I can spend time talking with you and laughing with you and listening to you share stories and learn how to cook from you, my Nanny is an unbelievable cook!, and sit quietly with you and help you and enjoy you and love you and be able to have my relationship with you grow more intimate as I grow older.

This is really a wish turned reality to have her here. When I was young I frequently would say how much I wished Nanny lived here. And now she does and I love it.

Love you Nan!

Bye

Some of you may have noticed I updated my photos on the side of my blog, well actually I have deleted one.
The picture of Andy, the dog. I am really happy to announce that Andy has been adopted!!! He has moved to Lakeville and is enjoying lots of older kids and a huge yard and people who are able to take him for long walks and play with him all the time and I am completely thrilled.
He is such a good boy and I felt so bad for him living here in this tiny house, tiny yard, tiny kids, tiny amounts of time to be given to an animal.....lots of tiny going on here. He is doing very well in his new home and we all couldn't be happier!
Just thought ya'll should know.

at night......

everyone is in bed. kitchen is clean. table wiped off. if it's a good night floor is swept. dryer running the last load. house is quiet and i have the excited nervous feeling....i can hardly wait.

the air is warm and humid, maybe with a slight breeze. recently it has been cooler. sometimes the smell of a fire is lingering. the moon bright and the stars are out or cloudy and very dark.

turn my ipod on and find my music, no skip this song and the next and the next and the next, oh yes, this is the one. recently there has been no ipod just the sound of me breathing and my feet on the sidewalk or on the street when the sprinklers are running, sometimes on the grass.

people are winding down for the night and watching the news on their big screen tv's. most houses are dark and the streets quiet with a sleepy glow from the street lamps hanging over me every block to light my way....until the bridge. the bridge is very dark with no lights. i like it.

the cares of my day falling to the ground with each step and every drop of sweat. feeling like the only person around for many miles in the middle of the city.

this is why i love to run at night.